Have Yourself a Merry Little Freakout

There are fairies all over my house. There has been an explosion of pink, Christmas paraphernalia, laundry, and Disney Fairies. When I was pregnant, I was so careful. I registered for gender neutral baby stuff– greens, yellows, oranges. I declined to find out her gender ahead of time. I wanted to be kept in the dark, and I wanted to not imprint any expectations onto the baby I was growing, except to be healthy.

Then I had a girl.

The Babyhead, aka Squeasel

And still, I tried! I bought yellows and oranges and greens for her, avoided pinks. Pink has never been my favorite color anyway, so I thought, “Why push it on her? Maybe she won’t like it, either? I’ll let her decide!”

Well, she has decided. Pink. And red and green, and blues of every hue, and orange, but mostly pink. Glitter is probably involved, and maybe some LED lights. This all especially noticeable when her Christmas presents are piled up in a shopping basket. But at least she chose to like pink, and not because I pinkified her.

My Crafty Christmas is still quite crafty, but you know what? It is not as cheap as all that! I was well into my rock candy enterprise when I realized, “What ho, old thing! You have just used 6 cups of sugar to make 3-5 rock candy skewers!” Just in case you aren’t aware, 6 cups is just about a 5 pound sack of sugar. WTF. But if they turn out, I’ll do it again, because it was fun¬†melting down all that sugar. I felt like I was in Chemistry class again, but with a much nicer teacher, because this time the teacher was my issue of Bust. Also in Bust– bitters. I started that little project a couple of weeks ago, and so now my fingers smell like whiskey, star anise, and cherries because it is impossible NOT to smell like that when pouring and squeezing the bitters through a coffee filter that is sloooooow.

Monday, I’ll try the honeycomb. Tuesday I’m making little loaves of panettone, and Thursday I’ll make a bunch o’ cookies. I’m thinking snickerdoodles and gingerbread men. I tried those squeezy cookies last year, but didn’t like them much. Oh! But maybe I’ll try Linzer cookies! I like to eat them, so let’s see how making them turns out.

In spite of all the holiday craftiness, I have to admit I’ve been awfully down for a long time and it just won’t go away. I went to a party a week or so ago, and I was a nervous wreck during it, all fidgety. I felt like a basketcase. I also felt about a decade older than most of the people there. Oh, wait! I was! Ha. I kept thinking someone would wonder who brought their mom to the party. I also kept thinking that these twenty-thirty-somethings have better careers than I do. Why did I go to college, again?

Now I know to pay attention to my feelings, though. I’d had a feeling I wouldn’t be party-ready, and I went anyway. Sometimes you just have to listen to your head, and I didn’t! So it’s my own fault. I did, however, get to peruse Phaidon’s Little Book of Photography which had a calming effect until I drank too much red wine too quickly and then chugged a beer. This all happened within the space of an hour. I should have brought my daughter! I wouldn’t have had anything to drink, plus no one would really expect me to talk to them. I was such a bad guest! But I did get to go out with my husband for an hour, so that was nice. He goes out and parties all the time– the one time I go out, and I have a freakout.

One more reason to stay home and write! But the sticky wicket here is that I’ve been withdrawing into myself this whole year, and I wonder if it is possible to withdraw to the point of nonexistence? Will I collapse in on myself like an unstable star and turn into a black hole? Well, then I suppose I’d still exist, but not as a star, but as a black hole instead. Hm. Not quite sure about the logistics of that. Ha! I’ve thought myself into a hole, at any rate! This brain’s not meant to burn very hot, obviously. Also, note to self, stop reading so much Roald Dahl.

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