Betting on the Bull in the Heather

So, on Monday I’m going to scrape together my meagre savings and buy a new phone. My little Virgin Mobile has served me well for over four years! I’m going to go ahead and get a fancy schmancy phone, with the internet on it. Well, for me that’s fancy schmancy. I’m even going to put one of those swanky retro-photo apps on it. I’m going to get this. It’s no iphone, but it’s as close as I’m going to get for a while! As long as I can take pictures and perhaps go onto IMDB, it’ll all be good. I love IMDB. I don’t think a day has gone by since I’ve had access to a computer where I haven’t at some point looked up something on that site.

Maybe I’ll have a little funeral for my ancient cell phone. I should retire the number, like footballers retire jerseys. Instead, I should probably recycle it. It’s doing something so that I can’t charge it, and even if it does get the right connection to make a charge, it’ll run itself down overnight, even while plugged into the wall. I tried picking lint out of the jack (perverse! obscene!) but that isn’t the problem. It’s given up the ghost, poor thing. It’s served me well.

Speaking of giving up the ghost, I’ve given up Facebook for a little while. Like anyone cares! But it was just something I had to do. I’d made a promise to myself that I would refrain from posting snarky, negative things when I got into a bad mood, and I’ve had such a bad mood welling inside for such a long time– it was getting more and more difficult to read about everyone’s successes and babies all the time. And the constant pictures of people having fun together at shows or parties that I’m not going to. I can only take so much of that! I simply could not keep observing from the outside, not actually partaking in any of the real world socializing.

I’ll have to go back at some point and transfer the photos I’ve got on there to some other place– kind of like cleaning out a desk at a job you’re leaving. But I’ll do it in a month or so. I’ll go back when my head is in a better place, when I feel like I won’t feel my own failures so acutely. Maybe when I go back, I’ll be back in school, out of debt, pregnant, happy, a party girl, gainfully employed– or maybe I’ll just have developed a thicker skin. Ptui!

Onto bigger and better things: I have just finished 21% of my book! Ha! I was typing up what I’d written longhand, revising the major omissions and repetitions along the way, and making notes where things still needed to be tinkered with. I’m going to revise again when the whole shebang is down. So now I’m going to write another longhand, then type it up again. I think that system works for me.

I’m typing it on a private blog, so I’m not exactly sure how that will copy and paste into a Word document, or what, but it’s better than living in terror, hoping that my computer doesn’t crash when I’m at the 89% mark.

Ooh, I should not go back onto Facebook until I’ve got a book to promote. Ha! Then nobody will see me, ever again! I’ll be Invis-O-Girl once more. There’s a freedom in being invisible, because then you aren’t tempted to hold yourself up to others and marvel at the differences.

Here I am in my lovely feather dress, taking a close look at some amazing silica.

Nope, I’m definitely not fit for social networking at the moment.


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