In Which I Actually Have an Idea for a Porn Site

A few hours ago, my mom called me up from where she was having her guitar lesson. Her voice came through loud and statically excited, and she said, “I’m coming right over! Joe gave me some really good stuff, and I’m going to share it with you! It’s really good, good, good stuff!”  She was so excited, as she gets often by all kinds of things– strangely, not infomercials. But I had no idea what she was talking about, because my mom tends to leave out important things like specific nouns. She is almost Hungarian in her complete disregard for gender, and loves to use he, she and it interchangeably.

I, confused by the lack of proper nouns, asked, “Is it pot?”

Before you say something to the effect of, “I can’t believe you asked your mom that!” you must keep in mind that she was an adult in the Bay Area in the 1960’s and was into Bessie Smith before Janis Joplin made her a household name (again). She collected R. Crumb before he was cool. There were lovebeads. She held drugs in disdain, actually, but she’s not the sort of person to get offended by my question. And I was kind of hoping I wasn’t joking (though, to be honest, it gives me an asthma attack).

“No, not pot! Ha! (She’s being silly, my daughter…)” she said to her instructor, who happens to be very conservative. I thought, that’ll teach her to be more specific. Usually, she just gets mad and frustrated when I get confused, but because he was there she laughed it off. “Really, are you going to be there? Because I don’t want to go all across town if you’re not going to be there.”

“Mom, you called my house phone. I’m here.”

“I’m coming over!”

My first serious hope was that she was bringing coffee beans, because all I have left are some musty Fresh & Easy beans that were probably never very good to begin with. Luckily, I make my coffee so strong that you can stand a spoon in it, so at least there’s some caffeination. But it tastes like crap! You do get what you pay for.

This is the original Sun-Maid painting!

My second hope was produce, because we live in the San Joaquin Valley, the agricultural breadbasket of California. Of the World! It is not uncommon for someone to know someone else who either works in ag or grows their own and has a bumper crop. One of these days, I’m going to be the one with the bumper crop, because I’m putting in some raised beds– but that’s a post for another time.

Neither hope was realized. She brought Lunchables, Vanilla Half and Half that had expired a month ago, and some weird spready cheese product that is the Philly cream cheese brand, but has no actual cream cheese in it.  I am not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but. . .

Yes, I am looking a gift horse in the mouth. So sue me.

You might not know this from the prodigious amount of cookie baking that I show on this blog, but I have been avoiding processed foods for years. This is one of the reasons why I bake– so I don’t buy processed cookies. I bought a breadmaker to avoid processed bread. Almost everything in our refrigerator and pantry is a whole food, if not organic to boot. Our little girl does eat the occasional fishstick, and loveloveloves macaroni and cheese– but that’s about it.

I’m not counting candy corn, obviously. Don’t be rude.

Every single thing my mom brought over was a processed food! And to be quite honest, I didn’t even know what to do with the cheese product. I tried spreading it on pita bread and Iso ran screaming from the room how she couldn’t watch. I think she thought I was defiling the pita. Then I tried putting it on bread and broiling it, like garlic bread (it’s practically all soybean oil– why not?) and it stuck to the backs of my teeth. I mean, I don’t even know what to do with this kind of stuff anymore.

I so would have rather had coffee or fruit (or pot, for that matter).

In other news, I made brownies today! I find it ironic that the one time I follow a recipe closely–  I have to alter the recipe to save it! I must have copied it down wrong or something. I don’t know.

I’ve changed the recipe, and there will be pictures tomorrow. There will be hott double-boiler action, and a naughty balloon whisk. (Ha! There should be a food porn site that is not glistening pictures of gourmet food, but naked people cooking. Or maybe there is one already? No, I don’t want to know.)

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